i had a dream.. this is it
it started with me, amanda p and amanda v being picked out of everyone to go to audition at this plac for university for music, .. so we went to this place to do an audition, and amanda v went first, and her clarinet thing got fucked up bc her drummer was going WAY to fast so she lost, then amanda p went and hers didnt work bc her flute was "sharp" and it sounded bad, then i went and it was like amazing ( on my sax) , i did really well and the guy was like come with me, you get to go on.,,, so i went and he was tellling me how the university used to be SO big, but the tax cuts made the campus down to one biulding and he drew me a diagram on the chalk board about it, and iw as like woah! so then hes like u have to play for ppl at a show, so i go play for all these pepople and i do well and everything, and then were in a community centre annd thers all these ppl playing basketball and everything, and my shoes were untied, and no matter what i did, i coulnt tie them back up.. like.. it wAS not working, and then behind me i hear familiar voices of dom ralph and trevor beind me talking to dom mocking him about me, and then he was all ya man fuck i never liked vanessa she was just a waste of my time, shes younger, shes stupid, i hate her , i was just playing with her mind .. and all that derogitory sadness .. so i was trying to play basketball and i had to keep bending over to tie my shoe and everytime i did they were like stop following dom he doesnt like you, your in grade 10, and then all the things they were saying, and waht dom said were appearing on this music stand in front of me, and ( now im playing my sax again) every time id loook up to see the music, i would see everything dom said, and would hear it in my ears.. and i woke up...
i was so sad when i woke up and was almost crying. it was so real, and seemed so true, the second part i mean, i dunno.people might call me paranoid but there has to be a reason. and its eating me away inside that i cant figure out waht it is why theyre acting this way towards me, ESPECIALLY dom, bc we used to be so close, and when iw as telling jenn this this morning, iwas crying, but hiding it.. its like a slap in the face not knowing why hes acting this way. there was a time when we were so close, that without question he would wait for me after jazz to walk to my locker and to walk me to the library, and to share trust, be close, want more. and now. there is none. like it never happened. how can someone pretend like that, like it never happened, like they never felt anything for you. when you could feel it back when they looked into your eyes. how. tell me how?! humans have the ability to surprise you to no extent. i wish it didnt have to end like this. and its not. because as much as its KILLING me inside, i know i cant stop the emotions, and i cant stop my heart from feeling what it does for him. becuase i knew at one point he felt it back, and that in itslef is what is driving me. to want him, to want to know why, know the reasons, feel it again when we look in each others eyes. i remember this one time after jazz it was snowing and he had to go shovel the driveway, and i asked him if he wanted help and he said his brothers would make fun of him forever if he got a girl to help him shovel the snow, and he wanted me to just go and keep him company bc theyre was time, but again, he was worried waht his brothers would think. but at that point. when we were laughin, we were so close together, our eyes, the tension was so strong and it was going to take soemthing strong to rip it apart. the feeling between us at that exact time was unexplainable. ive never felt that way beofre in my life about a person. and thats why im moved so strongly by the fact that he is treating me this way. before the end i want to act. i need to act. for my own sanity.
Devious Journal Entry
